If you’ve ever had to use stock photography for a project you know how painful it can be to click through page after page of horrible, laughable, nauseating photography. I usually start to get surly after about four pages, and somewhere around the 12 page mark I get the delirious giggle going. Having spent a fair amount of time with stock families, stock business people, and more stock doctors than you can even imagine, I’ve learned a few important things about life:

1.0 When you have a family, you will inevitably have family pile-ups! And they will be so fun!
Ah, the classic family pile-up. You’re all just chilling in the living room and bam! you’re suddenly crushed under the weight of your average looking parents and opposite sex sibling. The fact that your clothes are coordinated makes it so much more pleasant. You all smile at how pleasant it is. And then you look at a camera. Wait. What?

2.0 All you have to do to be a business professional is shake hands and smile
They say you can tell a lot about a person by their handshake, and this is especially true in the business world. Bonus points if you shake hands with skyscrapers or the entire world behind you.

3.0 Your coworkers will be so attractive
Old people? In the workplace? Don’t be ridiculous. Your coworkers will look will look like they just walked off the set of the TV show about your awesome job. Should someone be over the age of 30, you can rest assured that they will have the appropriate trendy eye wear to help those ancient eyes. The old lady that walks around muttering doesn’t exist, nor do the novelty sweatshirts that come out at every holiday. Also, that hot coworker isn’t flirting, he always just smiles and makes eye contact like that.

4.0 Old people love riding bikes
There’s really nothing more to add…

5.0 Pregnancy is a freakish thing
Not only does it involve a human being growing inside your stomach, pregnancy also causes people to do strange things, like make hearts with their hands over your stomach, or take close-up photos of them making out with your stomach. It causes people to think “cute! symbolic!” when they take picture of themselves holding a teddy bear in front of their stomach. Make that photo b+w and you’re done. I’ve seen way too many photos of pregnant women in bras, being kissed on the neck by the one partly responsible for the whole situation. Make a bunch of middle school kids go through one pregnancy stock gallery and you won’t even have to worry about teenage pregnancy.

6.0 Everyone is more diverse than you.
I’m sorry, but you’re borderline offensive if every outing doesn’t include one person in a wheelchair and at three diverse ethnicities, all wearing a coordinating but different colored polos. According to the photos, these diverse relationships and polo trends start during childhood. Despite the diversity, everyone is still skinny and attractive, so you don’t have to go too far outside your comfort zone (and yes, that’s sarcasm, so you can cancel that hate mail).

Ironically, I don’t have any photos on this page because I couldn’t justify paying for them and they weren’t worth breaking usage/copyright laws. Use your imagination or do a quick search on any of the topics above.